Out of a book and onto the roof

I spent two hours on the roof today in the sun, watching planes land and take off from the runway.

I have a lot that I have to do. I have an exam coming on Monday that’s a behemoth, I haven’t gone over Immunology or Rheumatology, Endocrinology or Neurology. That’s over half the material. I have all day tomorrow, but I’m not going to be productive. I just don’t care to be, and I’m not worried about doing poorly. I’m inappropriately convinced that I’ll be fine. I even expect to get an A.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. The material is fascinating and, once this test is over, I plan on taking notes on all of it just so I have it for some later date. It’s not the work that I’m rebelling against; it’s the stress. I refuse to be stressed by these tests. I refuse to push myself. I haven’t done this before, and it feels good to experiment.

I’ve had these classes for 1.5 years, the same shit, over and over and over. Each time they put a little more on the plate, like walking down a buffet. And you carry the thing for so long that you have something resembling a meal, something to show for the effort. But we forget. The peas roll of the plate, some gravy spills and we have to go back and get it. And I swear to God that most of medical school after the first year is just relearning everything you’ve already learned, but with one extra helping of potatoes or some such.

Well I’m stuffed. And I don’t care if there’s more on my plate; I’m not going to finish it. I refuse to overeat.

Our school has these in-house tests called the Basic Science Competency Exams. It’s supposed to internally rank each of us and scare us into remembering everything for the Boards. I hear it works. The screwy thing I learned about the BSCE I took after first year is that the highest score, THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE SCHOOL, scored an 82%. That’s a B. So you’re telling me that instead of cramming for As and having it fall off the plate a month later, had I just slowly, steadily, learned what barely passes for a B and retained it, I’d be the smartest kid in the class?

Yup, that’s what we’re telling you. Peaches.

I’ve heard a similar rumor about the Boards, that an 80% is something close to a 220+. I hope THAT rumor is true. I suspect I’m just lying to myself, that all of this is some pretty classic psych problem and that actually getting a B on this important test will lead to a lot of promises of ‘never again’ and ‘what was I thinking’. But I hope not, because it’s better on the roof than in a book.

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