Golf is LIfe

We’ve just added another course to the pile. Walking into the lab, the professor announced that this was “Clinical skills, Advanced clinical skills.” This was funny only to me. When we broke into groups I introduced my self as “Lastname, Firstname Lastname.” Again, only funny to me.

I am with half of my path group as we learn how to take vital signs, inspect the cervical lymph nodes, etc. I hopped onto a bench and volunteered to be the dummy patient for the instructor. She inspected my scalp (newly shorn), my throat (I shaved off my neck-beard for just this reason) and my mouth. Now it’s the group’s turn to mimic her. With anything like this, there’s about 10 minutes of awkwardness before everyone relaxes and I enjoyed every moment of it.

First, when asked to describe the findings of examination, my friend Peter was very uncomfortable mentioning my Male Pattern Baldness. He was also unsure if my skull was of normal shape and size. The tutor said that it was within normal limits, which is tact-speak for “you’re absolutely right.” A few minutes later, Scott is trying to see the back of my throat and is accusing me of having a tongue that is “too big for my mouth. No one can see past that thing.” When inspecting the ducts underneath my tongue, I am politely asked not to gleek on anyone. I do my best.

Eventually more members of the group volunteer to be patients. We use tongue depressors to move the cheeks and tongue around. Each patient is responsible for holding his/her own depressor so that cross-contamination doesn’t happen. It takes three minutes before Scott and Sam are making-out by proxy.

All in all, fantastic experience and my new favorite class.

I wrote a few days ago that the dodgeball tournament was coming. After some soul-searching, my roommates and I decided not to play. We’re growing up, and that means becoming very boring. Instead, I sat in the library on a Friday night while the entire campus was cheering drunk. In my defense, the time was put to good use. Because SGU is not a wealthy institution and has no history of research, resources are scarce. To get around this, Marios emails a friend of his at Harvard with a list of journal articles that we need. His friend takes a camera into the library and sends us pictures, page by page. I then have to remove the camera glare, rotate the pictures into frame, and remove every thumb with Photoshop before I can send it to our black and white printers. Even in academia, there are hand-me-downs.

So dodgeball didn’t happen, but golf did. The roomates had signed up as a team, and as any team we try to bring the ridiculous with us. If it’s Kelly and Winston wearing togas to announce the beginning of the winter Olympics to our class or dumpster-cardboard Halloween outfits, we try to come up with something. We were too busy this time, but figured the least any of us could do was stop shaving and play with mustaches. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that sounds. The mustache didn’t look that great, so I decided to take it a little further. Into my head.

The golf tournament was a complete success and very profitable. The highlights:

Riding the 7am bus through the hills of GND with people still out from the night before, letting their 80s costumes double as totally normal golf attire. Getting a chip-in-birdie on the first hole from 60 yards out. Hitting a great drive on the 6th only to watch a Grenadian caddy walk into the fairway and pocket the ball. Arriving moments later huffing from a beer-fueled tee box sprint to find that my ball was fine. Finishing 9 holes of “captain’s choice” golf +8. Shaving the rest of your head to look professional for your tutoring session to be told that you have a sunburn-negative and are not fooling anyone.

1) “gleeking” is when you press your tongue in such a way that you shoot jets of saliva from underneath. I have a talent for this, both voluntary and involuntary.
2) “make-out by proxy” Like sharing gum, what was in my mouth is in your mouth. Sam and Scott were inspected with the same tongue depressor.
3) Captain’s Choice golf means four people hit a drive and all take their second shot from the best drive, and the best chip, and so on.


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